Insta Vlog No 1: Spokane to Seattle

My life is madness right now. Every day presents new opportunity and I am fully open to receiving whatever comes my way. I am moving home for the summer to Spokane, WA so that I can prepare for my move to LA in August. But first, I am going to Nicaragua, then LA, then back to Portland, then to What the Festival. Then I move to Spokane for real. Should be an interesting summer full of adventure. I'm stoked. 

May 2nd: Healing

It’s 6:15 am. I couldn’t sleep any longer and the sheets became uncomfortable, so here I am, listening to the clock tick by while sipping some lemon water. A few moments ago, before running upstairs to grab my computer, I sat here in the silence with my eyes closed and bowed my head. 

Thank you.

I am beginning to see everything clearly. Visions of my future, the wisdom that I hold, and how I finally have a full understanding of the way this life works. Truly, I have life figured out. You see, God places desires in us so that he can fulfill them. It is our job to discover what those desires are. The way to do this is by following your inner wisdom and your intuition. It’s really that simple. 

Now, the process of uncovering the voice and then developing the strength to pursue it at all times, can be very ugly and extremely challenging. You have to face demons you don’t even know you have. You have to strip yourself of everything you thought you knew and start from nothing. In my case, literally nothing. No money, no friends, no food, no sound… All I have left is what’s in my head, and that dictates which direction I will go. The only direction I want to go is toward the light. 

I’ve developed an entirely new view on the world. Right this moment, I can fully appreciate the sound of the ticking clock, the soft feather like touch of Kitty’s tail against my cheek, the sweet taste of lemon water, and the simple beauty of my plant, bringing a sense of calm to the room. I can take steady breath, in and out, without having to think twice. Even typing these words, the sound of the keyboard creates a pleasant symphony with the clock. Writing is something I couldn’t seem to engage in just a few days ago. But now that I have been stripped down to nothing, I am finding the inspiration I needed to think clearly. The answer was silence. 

Last night as I was drifting off into sleep with earplugs snug in my ear, I could easily distinguish the difference between my right and left ear. In the left ear, I could her one steady ‘hmmm’ tone. It was low and even. In my right ear, I heard several tones firing off at once. It sounded more like an AOL dialup, or the sound of tuning into the radio. They were high pitches that were uneven and loud. But beneath those high pitches was the same low pitch that was in my left ear. I had to dig around to find it, but it was there. Okay, I thought. Now if I can just focus all of my energy and attention on that low tone, visualize those two tones from either ear connecting through my brain via light, and light connecting to source, maybe I can restore this imbalance.

This morning when I awoke, the tones matched. Both ears, steady and low, one tone. As of yesterday, every time I brought attention to my right ear I would feel the sensation of a droplet of water leaking into my ear. Whatever this sensation actually was, I’m not sure. But it was uncomfortable, and it would happen at the very thought of the injury. This morning, I focused all of my attention on that ear… and no uncomfortable feelings! Was I really healed? I have yet to test my hearing in the car or with headphones, I think I’d like to continue to pursue this cleanse of silence, but the sound of the clock ticking does not pierce my ear the way it did before. So far, everything seems to be restored. 

Today I am embarking on a water fast. I woke up hungry, in fact I think my hunger is what made me so uncomfortable in bed, so it’s not going to be easy. I am questioning whether or not to pursue it to be honest. 

*5 minutes later*

Okay I just did some research on fasting and it appears that the stomach grumbles I am experiencing are okay and normal. True hunger pains, and the honest bodily signal that it’s time to eat again, actually comes on as a sensation in the throat and mouth. I read that after the first three days of fasting (which I was only planning on doing three, but perhaps I will extend), you stop feeling any hunger pangs. Then, once your body is ready for food, you will feel distinctive pains like you’ve never experienced before. This is where you introduce diluted juice back into your diet. I will probably juice for about 5-10 days after the fast is over, depending on how long the fast goes and whether or not juicing resolves my hunger. Bring on Ketosis!

May 1: Silence

It’s 12:33 pm on May 1st and I am being forced to stay home to be in silence. I attempted to get out and drive Lyft this morning but talking to people in the acoustics of the car was too uncomfortable. I had a bit of a meltdown this morning when I got home because my ears are so sensitive that it hurts. The thought of having my hearing taken from me left me feeling sad and emotional. But then I read the testimonial of a guy who was a bit younger than me who listened to the word of God and was able to heal his hearing loss. I know that I too can accomplish healing, but only if I truly listen. And even though I was planning on driving Lyft all week, I have been redirected to the silence of my bedroom. It’s becoming clear to me that I am to be without distractions for the next few days. Between my hearing, my cleanse, and now my Instagram not working, all that is left is me alone in my bedroom. So I guess it’s time to write.

Now it is 10:04 pm and everything makes sense. I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I’m supposed to do. Being in silence is forcing me to spend time with myself, no distractions. I am listening to every little message my body is sending me and am beginning to find the beauty in all of this. Tomorrow I will embark on a 3 day water fast for healing. I know I can do it. 

The ringing in my ear is subtle, but present. It is a constant reminder that I need to be listening at all times. All I can do now is pray that I will heal as I continue to do as I’m told. I am at complete peace with my state of being in this given moment, ailment and all. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. It is the challenging and uncomfortable times that force us to dig deep and grow. If it weren’t for this hearing impairment, I wouldn’t be taking this time to myself, jump starting my creative writing and my inner strength. God infused me with this problem, and only God can take it away.

Every moment of every day my faith gets stronger. My inner wisdom gets wiser. My body communicates more clearly. Every day, I am becoming more whole and holy. It doesn’t take long for my questions to be answered and my willpower is finally strong enough to always choose the choice that my heart knows is best. I don’t allow outside factors or opinions to influence me anymore. I could honestly give two fucks about the opinions of others, in fact when someone offers their opinion on what I’m doing with my body, I completely shut them out. It’s unfortunate that it had to happen with Sam the other day, but I just can’t stand to be around people who don’t believe. I can’t do it any longer. I would rather stay locked up in my room, like Repunzel. At least for now.

I think there comes a point on this journey where surrender becomes more than just a word. It's like climbing a curve, where you’ve been proven time and time again to have your prayers answered, and then you reach that one critical turning point that just does you all in. There is no going back from this point. It’s such a luscious feeling. In any given moment, I can feel my breath, I can feel the calmness of my body, and I can feel the presence of God. I am able to quiet any chatter and thoughts of the future and tune in to the present moment. Presence, I have finally found you. You are bringing beauty and light into my body. I have gratitude for everything that contributes to this world I live in, even when I am dealing with something difficult. There is beauty in every moment of my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can’t even begin to imagine what my future actually holds. My fantasies run wild, and I know that when you have faith, things always turn out to be better than you could have possibly imagined. I can’t wait.